Maury Povich – LIVE! at Breakfast

I used to think that everyone on Maury or Springer was fake. You know, all actors awaiting the paternity test results, then I went to breakfast this morning. As we sat and joked around about current events, the table next to us got LOUD. They were so LOUD we couldn’t help but overhear the discussion. Here is a transcript, *names have been changed.

Girl 1: Bla, Bla, Bla – So, what is she going to do?

Girl 2: She’s going to have to tell people she married her ex-husbands brother like I did.

Guy: But he’s cool. He was married to *Jamie, you know the girl who made jewelry out of bird claws? She cheated on him with *Emily, now they are adopting some kid from *Mexico.

Girl 1: Oh really? Doesn’t she have 2 kids in Life camp.

Guy : No, that’s her sister.

Girl 2: Wait, what’s Life Camp?

Girl 1: I thought that was *Emily! Well, I guess the kids are both really BIG slobs so she sent them to this FAT camp, she wanted them to loose weight by the time they took their Christmas photos.

Girl 2: I should send my kid there!

Girl 1: Oh, what time is it?

Guy: Almost 11, what time are we supposed to be back at the courthouse?

Girl 2: The social worker said 11:30…

Not even kidding. PS – Maury has invited Justin Bieber to come on the show and see if he is, in fact, the baby’s daddy. No doubt the Bieber camp will jump at this prestigious opportunity.

A Twilight Prayer

The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn – Part 1 hits theaters on November 18th so I thought it was only appropriate to say a little prayer.

Oh Hollywood deities, please don’t let this movie fall apart like the rest. 

Please show mercy on the true Twilight fans who hold the book series dear to our hearts, we only want simple things. Like for you to look down upon the movie set and use your powers of divine intervention to eliminate cheese ball dialogue like,”You’d better hold tight spider monkey.” 

And please, make Bella stop whining while she speaks, we get it – she’s supposed to be a teenager. But teenagers don’t whine while ordering a pizza. 

And while you’re at it, if it’s not too much to ask, forget catering to the teenagers moral compass. This movie is supposed to be about sex and violence and revenge. While those are evils in the world, we’ve played along with your “but young fans like Twilight too” in the past. I get it, the older fans have the money but we don’t buy Twilight perfume. But now it’s time for the movie to really reflect the book. Consider it a teachable moment. 

And if I could request one more little thing, please eliminate all of Taylor Lautner’s shirt wardrobe.

Amen.  

 

 

CMA’s Are The Best Awards Shows On Television

Awards Shows tend to be boring, but I think the CMA Awards are the best awards show on TV.

I listen to most genres of music and have worked at radio stations in different formats, so this is not just because I like Country Music.

I’m guessing the Oscars are the highest rated awards show, and probably the most glamourous.  The MTV Music Video Awards are probably the wildest and most shocking/unpredictable (even though we’re rarely shocked anymore).  The Kids Choice Awards are the slimiest and the Golden Globes are probably the drunkest.  But no one does fun and compelling better than the CMA’s.

The CMA Awards have one thing going for it that other genres and media don’t.  The people in Bridgestone Arena last night all really like each other and genuinely care about each other.  Obviously the fans love the artists – You get that everywhere.  But in Country the artists love the other artists.  The fans love the fans.  And most rare of all, the artists genuinely love the fans.

“I love my fans!” is yelled at a lot of awards shows, but I think under their breath they’re following that up with”…for buying my stuff!”  Perhaps it’s because Country musicians are more involved in the writing of their songs than pop artists, but I think they are just as flattered that you like their song as they are that you’re helping them earn a living.

For a list of winners, photos from the awards, video clips and more, check out CMT.

When Your Partner Loses Weight It’s Because They’re Going To Leave You

This new study says that if your partner starts losing weight, it’s usually because they’re going to break up with you and they are preparing to be single.  Make sure nobody tells my wife that.  I lose weight all the time (before gaining it back).

At one point in my life I was severely overweight.  I managed to lose it and never go back up as high as I was.  However I tend to gain and lose 20-25 pounds every couple of years.  Here’s the cycle:

1. I lose weight – I feel great, clothes fit etc.

2. I remember that I LOVE to eat, so I start eating whatever I want!

3. I gain the weight back and am disgusted with myself.

4. Repeat.

I think the study is only partially right.  Do people get in shape in preparation to breakup?  Yes.  But I also think people get in shape, then get more attention from the opposite sex in their new hotter bodies.  That eventually leads them to consider breaking up or cheating.

I’m glad my wife trusts me, because if she thought I was cheating or planning a breakup every time I started losing weight, we would have had a messy relationship!

I Still Love Saturday Night Live

“Kim Kardashian on Monday filed for divorce from Kris Humphries, her husband of…3 episodes.”  That was the first joke in this week’s SNL Weekend Update.  Everyone made Kardashian jokes this week (including me), yet here was SNL with a new and simple joke that summed up the whole situation.

It’s been trendy to hate Saturday Night Live, and has been for decades.  People tend to like one particular era or cast in general, and it’s usually from when they first discovered the show.  I have been watching since I was about 14, and I still LOVE it.

Is it great every week?  Of course not.  When your job is to come up with an hour of topical jokes every week they’re going to suck sometimes.  But I think SNL does it better than anyone else.  Seth Myers (head writer) is brilliant, as was his predecessor Tina Fey.

If you’ve never liked the show, you probably never will, so this is not an attempt to convert anyone.  But here are some pretty funny jokes from Saturday’s Weekend Update:

http://www.hulu.com/embed/6rC689kmd8ODLwL_gFZ-Sg

Kim Kardashian Wanted A Wedding, Not A Marriage

My apologies to anyone who earns their living in the wedding industry, but spending is getting out of control.  Kim Kardashian’s $10 Million Dollar Wedding is the most recent example, but people spend crazy money on their weddings all over America every weekend.

I think a lot of people want a wedding, but NOT a marriage.

When someone utters, “It’s the most important day of my life,” I think that’s the first red flag.  Really?  The MOST important day?  So your life is all downhill after that?  That’s really sad.

I have no problem with people spending money on their wedding on two conditions:

1) You can afford it.  Going into debt for your wedding makes no sense.  You’re starting your marriage off with money problems from the beginning.  You can either scale back, or just wait.  After all, you’re going to be together forever, right?

2) You’d still want to get married even if it was at the courthouse.

I know, I’m so romantic.  Romance is important, but practicality is important part too.

Candy Almost Burned Our House Down

Candy LOVES Halloween.  She loves to start working on her costume in September, and loves to have a unique costume that no one else has.  She’s gone as a Dangerous Curves road sign and a Tornado, and our group costumes have included Celebrity Sex Tapes, the Cast of To Catch A Predator, and more.  So when she didn’t have a costume planned by October 29th I was worried!  However I wasn’t as worried as a should have been…

Candy thought it would be cute to dress our 18-month-old son Beck up as a firefighter, but she had to make it more unique – So she dressed us up as House Fire Survivors.  That included actually setting our pajamas* on fire!  She was smart enough to do it outside with lots of water, but did it on our wooden deck.  If you are our landlord, please stop reading immediately.

Apparently our non-fire-retardant pajamas went up in flames pretty quickly, as did a couple parts of our deck.  Fortunately everything worked out okay in the end, and the costumes turned out great.

So Candy almost burned down our house for Halloween…I wonder what she’ll get me for Christmas?

*Aren’t pajamas supposed to be fire-retardant?

Everybody Loves Surprises! (Except Me)

Before you hate me based on the title, please know that I watched the above video and got choked up.  Military families go through SO much back here at home.  Their lives may not be as at risk as those in uniform overseas, but they are often living at single parents, living without their spouses, and making many other sacrifices.  However, I HATE surprises and wouldn’t want to be the wife in the above video:

1. After getting over the excitement of my spouse being home, I think I’d be a little mad that everyone else knew they were coming and I didn’t.

2. What if she wanted to plan something special to welcome him home or surprise him?  That’s out the window.

3.  If you’re my soul mate and you’ve been gone for 6-12 months, don’t waste any extra time – I want to see you ASAP!

Some people LOVE surprises, and that’s fine.  I even love surprising people who love surprises (which I realize make me a hypocrite).

Really Jessica? You’re Not ?

Jessica Simpson is expecting. Don’t lie, you remember her, you have a pair of her shoes. Anyway, she is probably 5/6 months along and isn’t telling anyone she’s pregnant. [She knows that majority America isn't blind right?] But Jessica is denying it. What happened here? Did Jessica accept a baby buyout from Jay Z or Beyonce. And at this point, not telling the truth is odd. OK, I get hiding it for the first 3 months but when you get to month 6, honey, we all know it’s not just Taco Bell Bloat. While Jessica keeps praying for a baby magazine cover, I have compiled a few suggestions on the type of outfits she shouldn’t wear if she wants to keep this baby a secret.

Latex Dresses – no honey.

Also, I don’t think any NFL cheer outfit will workout for you - especially this one.

And if the baby secret is a really big deal, don’t take clothing advice from Lady Gaga.

 

Camera Catches Christina Aguilera At A Bad Moment

Christina Aguilera at the Michael Jackson Tribute Concert

The photo above is from the Michael Jackson Tribute Concert over the weekend, and despite some amazing performances, all anyone is talking about is Christina Aguilera.

A lot of people are judging her weight – I am not.  She’s probably smaller than the average woman.

A lot of people are judging her outfit choice – I am not.  I am no fashionista, so I try not to judge others fashion.

I AM judging the photo though.  Ouch.  That is an unflattering photograph, without having anything to do with her size or outfit.  And we’ve ALL had them taken of us too.  Of course with digital photos we delete a lot of them – I know I do.  But to show Christina is human just like the rest of us, here are some unflattering weird photos of Candy and I that I managed to dig up in our photo library (not sure how these didn’t get deleted).  :)

Candy caught by the camera mid-word

Apparently Potter's face gets real ugly when he's running with a football

Click here to see more photos from the MJ Tribute concert courtesy of TMZ.